I fell in love with you gradually. It was not love at first sight, and it was not something that struck me like lighting. Still, I can tell you exactly the moment I knew I had fallen utterly and completely in love with you. It was not romantic, and it was not on a perfect, movie-like scenery with a breathtaking soundtrack. I was waiting eagerly for you to come home to the Democratic debate on CNN (since we were both tracking the elections passionately) and we sat eating cherries in front of the TV . In the commercial break, you stood up and said “are you still up for watching Breaking Bad after?” as he handed me a cup of tea. No, I was not up for it. I HATED that show. But I smiled and said “I’ll bring popcorn”.
Almost a year has gone by, and I still feel like I’m going to go back to our old apartment and find you making some Indian food I can’t even begin to understand. I still feel like I can cuddle in your arms when it’s cold at night.
There is not a day I don’t think of you. I try to avoid it, I try to tell myself I’m stronger than having to deal with my emotions. But every time I close my eyes, you are still there.
In a way, it is to be expected. I still sleep on the same side of the bed, and I still make a pillow silhouette next to me to feel you close. Every night, as I close my eyes I feel you near. It’s like you never left. It’s like we are still fighting about the AC all night, because I hate it, and you can’t seem to live without it.
A love story for the books
You made so many promises, and I believed them all. I believed in traveling the world together, I believed in merging our worlds, and mostly… I believed in you.
I never doubted your love, or the way you made me feel when you kissed me in the morning and told me how beautiful I was. Or how you didn’t understand my Mexican ways and surprised me with flowers in an attempt to lighten the cultural differences.
Our story was probably one of many: boy meets girl, girl hates boy, they go out anyway, girl finds out guys is sweeter than sugar, girl falls in love.
Two children in a grownup world
I admit living together was not easy, and I was a little reluctant to have to share spaces with someone else, but loving each other the way we did, it was not hard to wake up by your side. Specially when you did crazy things in the morning, like dance around me to OMI’s “Cheerleader” as I was getting ready for work or knock me down in bed so you could kiss me one more time.
I remember lighting the whole apartment with candles and playing music expecting for you to come home all soaked from the rain. I would look out the fisheye at the door and open the door to jump in your arms. You would kiss me dropping your backpack to the floor, and made me feel like I had waited all my life for a kiss like that.
All I did was love you. I loved you every day, in every way. One day, you’ll look back, and you’ll know that I did not deserve to be hurt the way you hurt me. I deserved an explanation, I deserved a man who was not afraid to own up to he fact that he would never love me enough, and he would give into family pressure instead of fighting for what could have been a story worth telling future generations.
The worst part is that I’ll never really know if you were just a liar and a coward, or there was a part of you who meant every “I love you”, and every “always”.
I always wonder what I’d say to you if I ever ran into you again, if I’d want to slap you or run into your arms and remember the smell of your skin that was more than a drug to me.
The only thing I want you to know is that you broke my heart. And with that, you also broke my confidence, my trust, and left me crying on a rainy night.
I’m sure I’ll find someone someday. All I want is for him to love me the way I loved you.