We met and it was no coincidence. I’m sure the universe had set this up so you and I could find ourselves in a very weird place, at a very weird time and just… connect.
I promised myself I would just have fun – new city, new rules. After a lot of thinking, I decided to take the plunge. “It’s about time you came out of your shell, you can’t be so afraid to feel anything all the time” I kept telling myself, and I had this feeling like it was just time to get out there.
My first impression was… mixed. I had done my best, putting on a pretty white dress, messing up my hair and looking like I was some Caribbean mermaid. I had only moved to this town 10 days before, and I wasn’t really feeling the weather yet, so going out in the sun was HARD! You stood up the minute you saw me, and I smiled. “He’s not that bad – but what the hell is that NASA shirt. For a date, really?” Still, it all came out to be one more way in which you charmed me.
That was the beginning of it all.
Your smile drove me crazy. Your laugh… Even more so. You had a way of laughing at my lame jokes that turned my sad little attempts into something beautiful. It had been really long I hadn’t laughed that hard.
You weren’t just another guy, and I was about to find out how deep a connection could be after less than 24 hours together.
You left, but we never really stopped. We never stopped texting, laughing or enjoying each other’s company. I just felt like I needed more, and I thought you did too.
Now, I know I’ve always been a go-getter, but I never though I’d end up flying to another country just to catch a glimpse of that smile. I had created all these ideas in my head about how it would be to see you again, and I really felt this would define if it had been something real or just a passing moment. I’m not going to lie: when we met at the airport, it was awkward. We didn’t know whether to kiss or hug, so we ended up doing some weird dance – but then you held my hand, and all was right in the world.
For the next 6 days, you never let go of my hand.
Our week was filled with passion: we laughed, we kissed, we argued, we said things we didn’t mean – but we never really disconnected. You and I had a real connection, and we couldn’t get enough.
“Alexa, play romantic Mexican music”- you said as you laid in bed with me. Alexa made such a bad choice, we had to turn her off, but that turned into another reason to laugh together. Every morning, we used to dance, to play, to touch, to look at each other… And enjoy our time into the night.
As we got to REALLY talking, I could understand you had been hurt. I never knew how deep your wounds were until I saw how hard you had tried to find yourself in a world that insisted on pointing out your fears to you – and you stripped down everything you had on your mind for me. I didn’t want to fix you – but at that point, I knew I wanted to stay.
Coming back home, I felt our connection stronger than ever. By then a few months had passed by since our first date, but now after having been with you, I was filled with excitement about what was coming for us. “You need to slow down, Mirza!”, you kept saying and made me back off when I was being too intense (I’ve always been intense, but you pointed out when it was just… too much).
I tried leaving behind the “romance” a bit, and focus on our amazing connection: cults, work, global issues, music, cartoons, family, fears, meditation… We could talk about it all! But I just kept finding more things to love about you.
Yes, I loved you. And I was terrified to do so.
Every day, I asked myself “Do you want to go through this again?” “Last time you fell in love, you ended up destroyed, and it took you years to recover”. Sure, I was scared – but it was too late to admit that you weren’t just a friend. I wanted you to be in my life and bring your perspective into it.
You were feeling me too, but you were strange – some days, you couldn’t get enough from me, some days, you couldn’t wait to get away from me. We’re adults, we get busy, and we are all skeptics when it comes to wanting just ONE PERSON. Everything has become so easy to get nowadays (yes, I’m talking about meaningless, but amazing, emotionless sex).
“I don’t feel the same about you. But I don’t want you to go.”
My world crumbled. I always knew you were not feeling as much as I did, but I didn’t know you weren’t even willing to try. I got angry, how could you be such a coward? We might not work out, of course, but we owe it to ourselves to at least try.
Still, you didn’t go away. “Let me walk at his pace, we can’t fake how good this is”. I changed my mindsed, and we soon got back on track. We were making plans, talking about dreams and projects – not together, but individually. Even our plans matched.
Over time, we kept throwing words around “girlfriend”, “relationship”, “love”, “togetherness”, “closeness”, but to you, it never really added up to anything. Still, it was strange… It wasn’t like you didn’t care.
Even through our disagreements, you never gave up on me. You were patient, sweet, understanding and tolerant. We never said hurtful things, but we ended up hurting each other. You stayed, and let me know that you weren’t going anywhere.
What is this, if not love?
I kept asking myself, why wouldn’t you at least be opening the door? You didn’t want me to go, but you weren’t ready to ask me to stay. I held on to it a little longer, and realized I couldn’t play this game of “let’s just be PERFECT together, but without being anything at all”.
It broke my heart to realize our connection was deeper than ever, and you still would never want ME.
It took all the courage I have (and I have a lot of it) to finally tell you I couldn’t do this anymore. I wanted to explore the possibility of “together”. Not the kind of mushy romance I watch in movies (which I also do a lot), but just fall into the fact that we were not going to find what we had with anyone else.
You knew it was coming, and you knew having to pretend that I was “okay” with being nothing was hurting me more every day. I really didn’t want to go. I really did love you. Not just as a friend (which of course I did – I could tell anything to you!), but as a person who I could see living stuff with, building an empire of dreams, and steel castles – one that wouldn’t crumble.
And it wasn’t even about romance. I was not expecting you to be romantic, and at times, I even got sick of myself, so I focused on making you laugh. Oh, that laugh was going to be the death of me – it brought back every reason why you were special, every time.
Even as I said good bye, we cracked little jokes here and there. We were not ready to let go. Still, I knew that it would be the same old story, all over again – you didn’t WANT me. Not even as much as I wanted you, but not even a little bit. In my head, I was begging for you to say you couldn’t do this, you couldn’t lose me. But silence was all I got.
I love you. Not just romantically, but I love the power and light you bring to me. To us. To this.
And just because we can’t be together, doesn’t mean that I won’t. But still, I love myself enough to know that I gave it all I had, and that it wasn’t what you wanted.
What I’ll miss most about you, are our meditations, our conversations. We might go ahead and find other people, but we can’t fake what we are…”soulmates”, you called it.
And I agree.
Maybe we’ll find our way back to each other, maybe we won’t. But just know that I wish you happiness, and that you find within yourself what you need to fall in love – with yourself first, and then with the rest of the world.
I’ll never stop thinking you are one of the most amazing people I’ve ever met – and believe me, I have traveled long and wide to have met many people… None of them could even attempt to match you. The way your soul is constituted (and I know, because you let me in), allows you to do anything you want. You are more powerful than you know.
Live your life to follow your dreams. Use your head, but don’t forget your heart – you have a good heart. And if you ever feel weak, or have a bad day, think about how there’s someone out there… Who is sending love from many, many miles away.
Thank you for taking me by the hand and showing me things that I had forgotten about myself – and a whole new world with you.